How Can I Get My Colleagues To Forgo Expense Reimbursements And Health Insurance To Save Our Company Money, And Other Advice Column Questions #adessonews

There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.

How Can I Get My Colleagues To Forgo Expense Reimbursements And Health Insurance To Save Our Company Money?

A few months ago we received an email from the Big Boss (head of our business unit) that we are entering a “cost cutting” exercise due to business needs and they need everyone to make efforts to ensure our costs/expenses are “as close to zero as possible.”

I’m in an internal role that doesn’t deal with contracts, purchases, software licensing, travel, etc. so there’s only a limited amount I can contribute to that cost cutting. But I’ve done what I can — e.g. I walked five miles with heavy equipment rather than take public transport which the others did. I “forgot” to claim for overtime payments that I should/could have claimed (not in U.S. so those laws don’t apply), didn’t claim mileage for driving two hours out of my way multiple times, etc. It’s galling every month the department admin sends out the emails asking for “overtime forms” and “travel expenses” and I know I have a lot I could claim and don’t.

We have to work late a couple of times a month due to client deadlines (the company usually orders food in) and I’ve gone on “hunger strike” conspicuously refusing to eat or order, and working through while others eat the company-paid pizzas, etc. (we know in advance when we’ll have to stay late – why didn’t they bring their own food?!) because I don’t believe that’s a legit business expense. I’ve tried to convince the others but without success.

I’ve now asked to reduce my retirement contributions (matched by the company) which will save them thousands a year. I’ve indicated to HR that I want to opt out of the healthcare insurance at the next renewal date.

I’ve done pretty much everything I can at this point other than asking for a pay cut (which I could — I’m senior, single and have enough money but I realize this could affect my prospects in the future) but I’m becoming more and more resentful of coworkers who haven’t even considered the things I’ve done. They still submit overtime, travel expenses, etc. At some point we all have to pull together but I feel like I’m the only one pulling.

[Ask A Manager]

Alison Green advises the letter writer to stop making sacrifices. “What you are doing is way beyond the realm of anything that would be expected, some of it won’t even matter (the hunger strike), and the rest of it is so extreme as to be entering the realm of the absurd unless this is your own personal business and you get all the profits,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer.

Should I Try To Accommodate An Acquaintance Who Drops By Unexpectedly And Then Criticizes Me For My Messy House?

I have an acquaintance who has been in my home a few times, even though I’ve never invited him over. He’s shown up at my door without calling or texting, and asks to come in for tea.

He’s pleasant, and I don’t mind the company — when I’m free. But on a recent visit, he said I should keep my home tidier if I wanted him to come over again.

I keep my house clean, but he’s shown up when I’ve been in the middle of folding laundry, for example. Or when I had some papers on the coffee table, a towel hanging to dry in the bathroom, my gym shoes beside the door and a coffee cup beside the kitchen sink.

When I’m expecting guests, I make my home look like nobody lives there. But am I really obligated to keep my home constantly spotless just in case someone drops in?

[UExpress]

Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona, rule that no one needs to keep their home spotless for unexpected visitors. “Miss Manners suggests you practice saying, ‘This is not a good time for me,'” they write. “[Y]ou might say, ‘I’m afraid my house is not up to your standards. I will be sure to invite you over when it is.'” Read the rest of their answer.

Should I Give My Husband Another Chance After He Asked Me To Get An Abortion Because We’re Having Another Girl?

My husband and I have two girls, ages 5 and 3. I’m very happy with my kids, but my husband has a legacy name (think something like “John IV”) and he is adamant about having a son to continue the chain. When he found out our first was going to be a girl, he was fine, assuming our next would be a boy. Then when the ultrasound revealed our second was also a girl, he was cantankerous throughout the pregnancy, but warmed up once our second daughter was born.

For the last year my husband has pressured me to have a third child, in the hopes of having a son so there will be a John V. Two kids are enough for me, but I agreed to one more and made clear this was it. We get what we get; I’m not having a fourth kid — and he agreed. After two months of trying, I found out I was pregnant. My husband was walking on clouds.

Then came the ultrasound. We are having girl number three. My husband was crushed. During the drive home he barely said two words. I figured I would give him some space and left him tinkering with his classic car for a few hours after we got back. But later that evening he said something that has me rethinking my marriage …

He asked if I would be willing to have an abortion so we could try again for a son. When I found my voice, I screamed at him to get out. He left and spent the night at his sister’s place.

The next day he called, all apologies, but I can’t stop thinking about what he suggested. Should this be a deal-breaker, or should I write it off as him grieving for the son he will never have and give him another chance?

[Slate]

Dan Kois asks if the letter writer’s husband is a good partner and father, generally. “Does he treat his daughters like the young people they are, or like poor substitutes for the scions he wishes he’d sired?” he writes. “Is he an active participant in your family’s life, or does he spend all his time tinkering with his classic car?” Read the rest of his answer.

What Should I Tell The Guy I’m Dating When He Insists He Did The Right Thing By Accusing A Woman Of Color Of Stealing Someone’s Coffee?

I’ve been dating “Mike” about two months. We were at a coffee shop the other day, and the barista called out a male name. A young woman picked up the drink. Mike followed her toward the door, tapped her shoulder, and said something like, “The barista called out [male name], is that you?” The young woman made a huge stink and implied that Mike was being racist and accusing her (a person of color) of stealing the drink. Mike was very upset by this and has brought it up several times in indignation, wanting me to validate that he did nothing wrong.

I am not sure what to say to Mike. I have just reassured him that I knew his heart was in the right place. But the more discussions we have about it, the more I wonder if there is something else I am supposed to say, or feel. One thing the young woman said has stuck with me: It’s not his job to police other people’s behavior, which I agree with. But we also haven’t been together long enough for me to draw any major conclusions or try to counsel him to confront his own [racism or paternalism or whatever was behind his actions].

[The Washington Post]

Carolyn Hax encourages the letter writer to tell Mike they agree with the woman in the coffee shop. “In general, be wary of people who can’t humble themselves enough to rethink, admit fault, adapt,” she writes. “Defensiveness is where so many miseries start.” Read the rest of her answer.

How Can I Get My 7-Year-Old To Stop Asking Me For Things She Wants?

I am so over my 7-year-old’s year old’s lack of ability to be grateful, or even to enjoy the moment. Here are two recent examples of what’s frustrating me.

1. We were at a climbing wall activity park with her gymnastics friends, celebrating the end of gymnastics classes for the season, when she asked, “When we’re finished here, can we go on the arcade games?” (At this point she’d had five hours of activities focused on her.) 2) During her (certainly not my) spring break, which was packed full of activities, she asked for a playdate on the one day she didn’t have anything planned, and I said yes — and then half an hour in, she asked if I would take her and her friend to the park. Is this developmentally appropriate, or have I created a monster? If we go out for breakfast, she seems to expect to go out for lunch, too! And/or dinner. How can I teach her to appreciate the moment, not to constantly “supersize” every situation?

[Slate]

Michelle Herman urges the letter writer to say no to their daughter’s impractical requests. “She’s 7. She doesn’t think the way you (or any adult) does,” she writes. “She hasn’t even noticed that five hours of activities have been focused on her.” Read the rest of her answer.

Should My Boyfriend And I Get Secretly Engaged When We Turn 17?

Is it OK to get engaged at 17? For some context, I am currently 16, and so is my boyfriend. I am graduating high school in 2025 at 17, and my boyfriend is graduating in 2026 at 18. I have always been one to want to get engaged young. Though it is unconventional, I still feel it is right for me.

My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 14. We genuinely do love each other, but we are afraid of what our families would think. Our idea is to hide it. We would have a small engagement, just us, with minimal costs spent on the ring due to the fact that I don’t care about diamond size, but I do care about the intention behind it. We would not tell anyone and have it be a secret between us. Then around junior or senior year of college, we would have a second, larger engagement with family and friends involved. He will be my forever no matter what.

What are your thoughts?

[Creators]

Annie Lane discourages the letter writer from getting engaged at 17. “If you two are meant to be together forever, like you say, there’s no harm in waiting until you’re older and really ready for this ultimate level of commitment,” she writes. Read the rest of her answer https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/10/24/the-struggle-to-find-in-person-therapy.

Check out last week’s column.