Was I Wrong To Be Upset When My Girlfriend Of 4 Months Let Herself Into My House, Rearranged My Lounge Room And Painted The Walls, And Other Advice Column Questions #adessonews

There are too many excellent advice columns to keep up with, so we’re committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here’s a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.

Was I Wrong To Be Upset When My Girlfriend Of 4 Months Let Herself Into My House, Rearranged My Lounge Room And Painted The Walls?

I’m a 52-year-old divorced guy, no long-term steady relationship for a couple of years now, but for the last four months I have been dating an early-40s lady, “Marie”. We each own our own home and there has been no thought of living together, or even really seeing ourselves as a real couple, but we each had a house key to the other’s place.

On a number of occasions over the time we have been seeing one another, Marie has commented on the fact that I don’t have a television in my home and found it pretty weird when I said that I have no use for one. She has also, politely enough I must say, indicated that she finds my home decor rather bland as she tends toward bright colors in her own home.

One Saturday, after I’d been at work, I came home to find that Marie was unexpectedly in my house, had repositioned all the furniture around in my lounge room, installed a large wall-mounted flat-screen TV, and painted two of the walls in the lounge room a deep maroon color!

She expected me to be very happy about this but not only was I not happy I was actually quite the opposite!

I took my house key back while returning hers and told her I’d be leaving the TV on her doorstep the following morning. She was wildly angry at my response to her “generosity” as she saw it.

So, what I’m wondering is, did I miss something here?

[Tribune Content Agency]

R. Eric Thomas rules that the letter writer dodged a bullet. “[I]t should definitely go without saying that you don’t drill a mounting bracket into someone’s wall without asking first,” he writes. “She’s lucky you didn’t send her a bill for the re-painting.” Read the rest of his answer.

Was I Wrong To Cancel A Family Dinner Because My Brother-In-Law Asked Me To Accommodate His Boyfriend’s Diet After Major Surgery?

I sent out a dinner invitation to my in-laws. My brother-in-law called my husband to confirm attendance. He added that he will be bringing his boyfriend, and will require certain food accommodations because the boyfriend was just discharged from the hospital a couple of days ago after a major organ transplant surgery.

I decided to cancel the dinner, telling my husband that it is rude and entitled to inconvenience your host. If one is that delicate that he needs special treatment, then he should stay home.

My husband says I’m being too sensitive and should just ignore the request. What does Miss Manners think?

[UExpress]

Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, the writers behind the Miss Manners persona, say that the only thing worse than the letter writer’s behavior is their husband’s idea to ignore their guest’s dietary needs. “Miss Manners has sympathy for the rampant abuse of hosts when it comes to inviting extra people and dictating menus,” they write. “But she does not cancel dinners over them — and not for legitimate excuses such as bringing an established partner and asking to accommodate his post-hospitalization diet.” Read the rest of their answer.

How Bad Was It That I Signed Up For And Tried To Attend A Conference For Executives After My Boss Told Me I Couldn’t Go?

I started working at my job eight months ago, not long after I completed college …. A few months ago in the elevator, my manager’s manager and someone from upper management in another department were talking about an upcoming conference. The idea of the conference sounded interesting and at our next departmental meeting I asked my manager’s manager about being able to attend the conference. She said the company couldn’t send me to this conference.

I really wanted to go. This was for several reasons: (1) what I heard about the conference in the elevator sounded interesting, (2) I was trying to show initiative, and (3) It would be good for my career to attend something like that. I was bummed out about the company not being able to send me.

But a week later I was asked to assist someone from a different department. … He told me he was swamped with trying to get everything ready for the meeting on top of signing up people for the conference and making all the arrangements. I offered to do all the conference so he could get the meeting set up.

I signed myself up for the conference along with everyone else. But I only signed up as an attendee from my company. I paid for the conference fee, the airline tickets, and the hotel room out of my own pocket. … I also booked vacation time so I could go.

I was excited to go to the conference. But when my manager’s manager saw me there the first day, she was upset at seeing me there, even after I explained I had paid the sign-up fee and everything else out of my own pocket and had used my own vacation time. I admit now that I made a mistake because I didn’t know the conference was for directors and executive management in my industry, not for entry-level people with less than a year like me. My manager’s manager had to get special permission from the company to go because she isn’t a director yet but is next in line for a promotion when someone retires. After the conference organizers found out from my company that I am not in upper management, they asked me to leave and said my fee would be refunded. …

My first day back at work was my last one ever because I got fired. My manager’s manager was furious and so were her bosses. I know I messed up, but when I asked about going to the conference she didn’t say I couldn’t go; she only said the company couldn’t send me. …

I know I made a mistake and it was a huge embarrassment for the company when word of what I did got around the conference, but I never had any write-ups or trouble and I was a model employee. I don’t think it was a fireable offense and I was shocked they fired me. Did I mess up that badly or were they wrong? I want to know if there is anything I can do to fix this.

[Ask A Manager]

Alison Green opines that the letter writer overstepped but that firing them was an extreme reaction. “That makes me wonder if anything else had happened previously to make them worry about your judgment,” she writes. “If this was one in a string of concerns, then their decision would be more understandable.” Read the rest of her answer.

What Should I Do After My Sister Berated Me For Buying A House In A Good School District When I Don’t Have Kids?

My sister and I have both been fruitlessly house hunting this past year. She and her family are squeezed into a tiny two-bedroom apartment and can’t move because it is in the only decent school district nearby. I was tired of living with roommates well into my thirties and being unable to give my dogs a yard to play in. I hit the jackpot in a finding a three-bedroom house with a huge yard and within a 20-minute commute to my work. The worst thing about the house is it hasn’t been updated since the early 90s. I don’t care about granite counter tops. I do care that there is a huge park with a dog run nearby.

I thought my sister would be happy for me. Instead, she looked up the address and then called to berate me for taking a house in a good school zone away from some hypothetical family. I didn’t “need” all that space. I asked if she was high on cold medicine or something. She got even more offended and started ranting again — how they could not afford to move even if they found a place. I told her that was a “you” problem. The area she lives in is ridiculously expensive, while mine is not. Even if the house I found had existed in her area, she and her husband would not be able to afford it. I finally told my sister we should probably take a break from talking to each other and hung up. I am really hurt by her reaction. I listened to her complain and complain and complain about the real estate market for months. I thought she would be pleased that one of us managed to get a lucky break. What do I do from here (other than worry about closing costs)?

[Slate]

Ashley C. Ford observes that the letter writer’s sister’s anger isn’t about the house, it’s about the circumstances of her own life. “I understand why you’d be hurt by her reaction (even if you partially understand it), but it’s not your job to fix anything about this,” she writes. “She’s going to have to come to her senses in her own time, and until that time, I want you enjoying every minute you can of making your new home.” Read the rest of her answer.

How Can I Get My Wife To Confront Her Friend After The Friend Told Me, ‘I’m Going To Destroy You’?

One of my wife’s friends has hated me since the day she met me. While early on, her hatred was tolerable, lately it’s become annoying and more than a little creepy. I work in research and development, the same industry as her. I often have lunch with colleagues, both male and female, while we discuss work. She has spotted me a few times having lunch with a female colleague and without even talking to me, she’s reported to my wife that she thinks I’m having an affair (even though it’s been a different woman each time — apparently I really get around). My wife was suspicious at first but is not so worried now. (I’ve never cheated on her and have given her no reason to believe I have or would.) This woman ran into me last week and told me, “I’m going to destroy you” and walked away. I told my wife, and she said I must not have heard her correctly. How do I convince my wife that she needs to confront this nutcase? If she doesn’t change her behavior toward me after that, I think it’s only fair that my wife stop seeing her as a friend. What do you think I should do?

[Slate]

Emily Yoffe urges the letter writer to consult a lawyer. “It’s odd that your wife continues to have fond relations with a woman who has made it her goal to ruin your marriage,” she writes. “What does your wife think her friend actually said last week: ‘I’m going to Hanoi. You?’” Read the rest of her answer.

How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Calling All His Friends To Brag Every Time We Spend A Lot Of Money On Something?

My husband and I are in our 50s and have been married for 12 years. He has the biggest heart and good intentions, but I wish he wouldn’t brag so much. In the past few years, our business has really taken off, and we are doing better than ever. My husband came from a working-class background and struggled for a lot of his adult life, so having the means to buy whatever he wants turns him into an excited kid.

Every time we make a large purchase, he calls up all of his friends and brags to them about it; he texts pictures and even short videos of the item in use. If he buys me a piece of jewelry, he’ll insist I show it off when we see friends. It makes me so uncomfortable, but he says people are interested in jewelry and things like that.

My husband is not intentionally rubbing anyone’s face in our good fortune. He believes he’s just sharing good news, but very few of the people he’s talking to have the same means so it’s really inappropriate. I’ve gently told him things like, “money talks, wealth whispers” and reminded him that we are very fortunate and need to be appreciative. We do give to several charities monthly — he thinks that covers it so his behavior continues.

He’s so sweet and well-intentioned that I know it’s going to hurt him if I tell him outright that he’s been extremely rude and, even if people don’t say it, they’re annoyed by his behavior. Gentle hints just aren’t working. Is there a way to say it bluntly but in a kind way?

[The Washington Post]

Carolyn Hax’s readers advise the letter writer to talk to their husband. “Tell your husband you’re afraid he’s becoming a braggart and what he’s doing is boasting,” one of them writes. “Let him know how uncomfortable this makes you, and share your fear that those on the receiving end could be resentful.” Read the rest of their answers.

Read last week’s column here.